( TWO PARTS 9TH & 15TH NOVEMBER 2010 )
9 NOVEMBER 2010
It has been quite some time since I last wrote. I once read, that your relationship with god is directly reflected by the number and frequency of your testimonies. Clearly my relationship with God has been quite distant recently. I realized when one falls from god, he doesn’t fall immediately in a split second , rather he slips away one step a day and one day he realizes that he has gone far far away from God.
“It is not that my arms are too weak to save you, rather it is your sins that has torn us apart.”
I cant remember the last time I prayed with devotion. I remember postponing my prayer session one day, which became two days and then a week and I finally lost count. I am ashamed of what I have become. I get scared to pray these days, thinking that God is very displeased with me. Perhaps he wont even listen to my prayers. Yes, father, forgive me, I have sinned. With what sincerity do I tender this favour for forgiveness? It almost feels worse than a hypocrite, knowing that there is no assurance that I will not repeat the same mistake again. How will I even face you? I know that you are everwilling to forgive, but the question remains in my heart, do I even deserve such forgiveess? Suddenly the idea of going to hell doesn’t look that terrifying for I realize , that is the just punishment for all that I have done. It sounds fair to me..Asking forgiveness again and again with repentance that last merely a day seems futile,, as if I have taken my god for granted. I am sorry for being such a disappointment.
On my birthday, I went through another bout of depression. Despite the fact my parents insisted me to stay home for my birthday, I left. I wanted to be alone. There I was lying down on bed, reminiscing every bit of my life for the last 23 years..All moments of my life flashed before, the happy days and the tragic ones. Clearly, it appeared to me that my life was like an ocean of sorrows dotted with scarce happy moments. At that moment I couldn’t help but to wonder, why was I even made? What is my purpose here? Clearly I have brought great disappointment to God. This is not who I was meant to be. I couldn’t even find one good reason to live. Why do I even need to wake up tomorrow morning? What is it that I look forward for? Is there anything in life to anticipate? I felt so alone, empty, lonely and naked.
Its funny that i fake a smile and wear a happy mask in front of others. Everyone thinks that I am this cheerful person, but I am not. Im really tired. Im exhausted..how long more to go lord? The funny part is that, even as I write this, I cant bring myself to pray. Where is my faith? I need to know that God still loves me. I need to know that he is still with me. I don’t even have the bare minimum of faith to pray and believe that God will hear the prayers of such a sinner. Have you given up on me?
Its funny, when my grandmother would call and say, “Adrian , please pray for me..pray that my ailments will be taken away”. I would think to myself with such great despair, ‘ How can I pray for you, when I don’t even have the strength to pray for myself”. My house in Alor Setar was flooded last Thursday. I am yet to see the extent of damage. Thank God, that I applied for my elective posting in Klang, that have brought my most essential books and things here. I cant imagine seeing them soaked in alor setar. When I told my mum that the house in alor setar is flooded, the first thing she said, “Don’t worry, just pray and ask God. Everything will be fine”. She said that not once, but multiple times. As a matter of fact, she says that everytime we talk about the flood. Can you imagine how I feel? I feel like killing myself. What great guilt. I feel as if I have lost the rights to ask god for anything. How can I ever face God again? Do I even dare to ask him for anything? Or even if I do ask, will my words fall unto ground? I am a disgrace to your name. What great despair? What great despair? Save me from this darkness Lord, before I perish any further..
15 NOVEMBER 2010
My depression improved gradually over the few days. As a matter of fact, you can see the huge difference between 9th and 15th november. Such pathological depression which was entirely unexplicable.
Later that week, It was a rare occasion, when I had gathered with a group of people I barely knew. We were talking and talking, and one topic lead to another, and finally we were talking about me. Person A is nonbeliever, but has spiritual abilities, just like a medium ( WHICH I DIDNT KNOW AT ALL ). As I started telling about my problems, the person A completed every sentence I spoke. He even continued telling MY STORY WITH SUCH GREAT DETAIL. I WAS REALLY TAKEN ABACK AND OVERWHELMED. FOR ONCE, SOMEONE KNEW THAT I WAS NOT INSANE AND I WAS SPEAKING THE TRUTH. Eg. I said “ that evening I really started feeling weird” and he continues “ it was about 6 pm actually” and I will be like “YES YES EXACTLY”.
WHAT REALLY MADE ME OVERWHELM WAS THE PART WHEN HE SAID “ On selected days, you will be there sitting, doing your work, and evening about 6 sumtin onwards SOMETHING WILL TAKE OVER YOU AND WILL MAKE YOU DO WHATEVER IT WANTS”.
AT THAT POINT I COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE..CAN YOU IMAGINE, WHILE THE REST OF THE WORLD THOUGHT I WAS INSANE , DELUSIONAL AND HALLUCINATING, THERE COMES THIS MAN WHO SAID EVERYTHING I WAS GOING THROUGH. ALL MY FEVER, ALL MY DEPRESSION AND THE THINGS EVER HAPPENED WERE ALL SPIRITUAL.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS, GOD HAS PROHIBITED ME FROM SEEKING ANY MEDIUM. UNFORTUNATELY I WAS IN SUCH AN INEVITABLE CIRCUMSTANCE. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT PERSON WAS A MEDIUM TO START OFF..
Even for the past few days, while reading newspaper, I refrained myself from even reading the zodiac signs. UNFORTUNATELY, ON THAT DAY, person B, asked me to stretch my hand. I thought he wanted to explain something. But he read my palms. I was put in in such a COMPLICATED CIRCUMSTANCE THAT I WAS HELPLESS…
Here is the collective & corroborative version of their story about me: ( from various people whom I have never consulted, but have been consulted by people close to me)
Apparently, years ago ( the same year my abnormality started when I was in year 2 ), I was coming back from class after having my dinner. That evening was not any ordinary day. Apparently there was a house near mine , which had demonic possession and caused a wreck. The owner called in medium, and decided to cast the demon out of the house. Now the ritual took place the same time I was coming home. Apparently, AT THE EXACT MOMENT THE DEMON WAS BEING CASTED AWAY FROM THE HOUSE, I WAS CROSSING THE SAME POINT AND WE “COLLIDED”. AND THAT DEMON HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME EVER SINCE AND ACCOUNTS FOR MOST OF MY PROBLEM. IN OTHER WORDS I WAS AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME. I don’t believe in coincidence.
As much as I believe that when a person dies, his or her soul will be out of earth, waiting for the day of judgement. Hence, the soul is never around on earth. SO what s EXACTLY A GHOST?? IT IS NOT THE SOUL OF THE DEAD PERSON..RATHER A GHOST IS A DEMON WHICH TAKES THE FORM OF A HUMAN , WHICH SUCCESSFULLY DECEIVES EVERYONE , MAKING THEM BELIEVE THAT IT IS ACTUALLY THE SOUL OF THE DEAD PERSON.
BACK TO THE STORY, THESE MEDIUMS PRETTY MUCH TELL THE SAME VERSION . Apparently the demon which was being casted out of the house, which I HAVE HIT ACCIDENTALLY is the soul of a dead person , a female who died in her twenties, likely in a car crash.
So this particular demon has been following me ever since..he described everything I was going throught. The countless time I was feverish with all my energy gone, but the thermometer would show normal temperature. The times I felt so possessed I did things I would never do , the days I would feel very depressed and days I would feel angry and highly irritable for no reason..All the time when I was PREVENTED FROM PRAYING, THE TIMES WHEN EVERYTIME I TRY TO PRAY, ALL MY ENERGY WILL BE ZAPPED AWAY AND I WILL SLEEP OFF….ETC ETC
What was even more shocking was when this man who doesn’t even know me said “You used to be vegetarian before. But at that time, you will always have cravings to eat meat particularly on selected days”
THAT WAS EXTREMELY TRUE..I USED TO BE VEGETARIAN FOR THE LAST 5 YEARS. NO MATTER WHAT , THERE WILL BE DAYS I WILL HAVE THE STRONG DESIRE TO EAT MEAT, HENCE AT ONE POINT I GOT SO DESPERATE, THAT I TOLD MYSELF THAT I WILL ALLOCATE AT LEAST 3 DAYS PER YEAR TO EAT MEAT. AND I WILL GO AND EAT KFC.
EVER SINCE I CAME TO ALOR SETAR, I WAS UNABLE TO BE VEGETARIAN DUE TO THE LACK OF VEGETARIAN FOOD HERE. I NOTICED THAT I HAD MASSIVE CRAVING TO EAT CHICKEN, THOUGH I OFTEN MANAGE TO CONTROL MYSELF. EVERY TIME I GO TO THE SUPERMARKET, I GET SO TEMPTED TO BUY AND EAT THE CHICKEN. ONCE I EVEN BOUGHT HALF A ROASTED CHICKEN AND ATE. ON ANOTHER OCCASION, DESPITE THE FACT I ALREADY HAD MY DINNER AND IT WAS ALREADY 12 AM SUMTING, I HAD SUDDEN CRAVING TO EAT KFC , THAT I DROVE AROUND TO FIND 24 HOUR KFC OUTLET AND I ATE. IT WAS A FACT TO ME THAT I HAVE SUFFERED FROM BINGE EATING DISORDER FOR A VERY LONG TIME. ITS JUST THAT I HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED A SPIRITUAL CAUSE FOR IT ALL THESE WHILE. SUCH AN EYE OPENER.
This person said that when he saw my face in the morning, he knew something was wrong. Another person said that he was aware that I had problems and there was something bothering my life. This person also claims to have spiritual abilities. This person said that, he even attempted to cast the demon away without my knowledge once. He said he really felt the presence of the demon and he was filled with intense fear. He even continued to say that, while he wanted to make an attempt to cast away , the feeling of inexplicable fear was so intense that he asked his other friend to accompany him. Apparently this other friend “SAW SOMETHING THAT HE SHOULD NOT SEE” , freaked out and walked away. I was sleeping when all these happened. Imagine “SOMETHING” NEAR ME WHEN IM SLEEPING?? The attempt to exorcise the demon failed. Apparently this incident happened long ago. And I only got to know that day.
Though I know that INDIRECTLY I HAVE CONSULTED MEDIUMS ( IN A SUCH AN INEVITABLE CIRCUMSTANCE, WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING THAT THEY WERE ONE ), I was glad in a way to know there are people out there who know the truth and know that I am not insane.
It was just too much to take, but I was in dire pursuit for the truth. I NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. So I told them about GOD visiting me in my room twice ( bright light incident ) and how I got my tongues and my visions and dreams. Somehow, when I was telling these things, they were quiet unaware about it ( unlike the previous things, which they could actually anticipate what I was going to say ). They made NO REMARKS about the God incident…WHY? WHY DO THEY ONLY KNOW ( IN GREAT DETAILS ) OF ALL THE ABNORMAL THINGS, BUT KNEW NOTHING ABOUT GOD RELATED PHENOMENA THAT HAPPENED TO ME? A BIG PIECE OF TRUTH IS MISSING..WHAT IS THE TRUTH? Where does DEMON X , fit into this story? How about the other demons i saw? What was obvious to me, there is a MULTITUDE OF DEMONS, WORKING TOGETHER TO DESTROY ME, THEY ARE DOING ALL THEY CAN TO PREVENT ME FROM KNOWING WHO I REALLY AM IN THE KINGDOM OF GOD..
The following day though I woke up feeling better, suddenly another bout of intense unexplicable depression took over me. Just like the previous days. I just kept to myself. It was one of those highly irritable days for no reason. I was scared to speak anything. The enemy usually would want me to speak vulgarity about god. It will really stir my mind with all its cheap ideas. Eg. There are days it will stir the wrath in me for NO REASON , THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE CURSING GOD OR EVEN SPITTING AT HIM OR THROWING THE BIBLE. I even remember there was a day in the past, I felt like that , so I kept to myself , being very quit. UNFORTUNATELY, the person who was praying for me was there with me. And earlier that morning, he had a vision of a lion attacking him, but he never told me about it.
So he was talking to me, and I who was in an intense state, suddenly jumped and attacked him. It was a sudden outburst of anger and such great strength. When I got back to my sense few seconds later, I looked at my hands, and they were clasped like the lion’s paw. And it FULFILLED THE VISION HE HAD THAT MORNING.
So, as I was feeling the same way that day I kept myself in solitude. But at night, I called person Z ( is a person who has been praying for me since the beginning ), I was venting out my emotions and problems, telling her about my involuntary encounter with mediums and SUDDENLY I WAS FILLED WITH RAGE, THAT I SPOKE VULGARITY ABOUT GOD. MOMENTS LATER, I GOT BACK TO MYSELF. ALL MY DEPRESSION , ANGER AND IRRITABILITY COMPLETELY VANISHED. THE ENEMY HAS ACHIEVED WHAT IT WANTED FOR THAT DAY, IT HAD MADE ME SPEAK VULGARITY ABOUT GOD…
The mediums are offering “solution” to my “problems”. They say they can end it easily. As a matter of fact the “objects” to be used are there already available, waiting for me to succumb. BUT I HAVE REFUSED. I HAVE SAID THAT I NEED TIME. I NEED TIME FOR MY GOD.
MY GOD HAS BECOME A SUBJECT OF MOCKERY BY PEOPLE, THEY SAY “YOUR GOD HAS CLEARLY FAILED YOU..WHY IS IT THAT YOUR GOD HAS LET YOU TO SUFFER? WHY IS IT THAT HE IS NOT CAPABLE OF SOLVING YOUR PROBLEMS..I THINKK YOU ARE PRAYING TO THE WRONG GOD…YOU NEED TO BE WISE AND CHOOSE THE SOLUTION ADRIAN…”
It was apparent to me, that my dream few months ago, In which I was participating in a ritual of animal sacrifice ( symbolic ) . I was convinced by them, that by participating in it, all my problems will be ended. While preparing to that ritual IN MY DREAM, I RECEIVED A VISION FROM GOD, SHOWING ME THAT THE MOMENT I PARTICIPATE IN THE RITUAL, I AM NOT ENDING MY PROBLEMS BUT I WILL BE OFFICALLY OPENING THE PORTAL OF DARKNESS INTO MY LIFE..MY DREAM FROM GOD HAS BEEN FULFILLED..
ONE THING FOR SURE, THIS IS THE SEASON FINALE OF MY LIFE DRAMA..i cant go on like this anymore..i have long surpassed my limits..…THE TRUTH IS VERY NEAR…SOON…May God be with me…
Awaiting divine intervention....
No comments:
Post a Comment