20/11/2010
The day of my deliverance was probably the happiest day of my life. I endured torment for 23 years and it was about time that it ended. I couldn’t go on anymore. That was my last straw. I have long surpassed my patience. I came back home feeling exhausted. They said that it was only common to find the body feeling extremely exhausted after such deliverance. I was very new to all these. I didn’t know what to expect. I was totally clueless. The moment after deliverance, when I was on the floor, deep inside my heart I had a tinge of doubt, “ Is it really over?”. As a matter of fact, when the pastor stopped, I thought we were taking a break before we continue further, but it was actually the end. I was telling them, I wish I would get a clear sign that everything has ended.
I once read that you cant pray a demon away, you have to specifically cast it out or it will always remain in your body. I had assumed that only Demon X manifested that day. So I was wondering what ever happened to the other demons? Someone offered an explanation saying that I should not assume that only Demon X manifested, it could have been also other demons, and said that I cannot understand how God works. Human minds cant possibly perceive how spiritual things work. As I left the building , I had chest pain ( just like how I used to have ) and I was burping. Someone said, deliverance in an ongoing process, the other demons are leaving you.I was heading back home in the car, my friend called and said “You must be a very lucky person that it just ended in one day”. I coulnt reply anything, because deep inside my heart I had doubts if it was really over. I badly needed assurance. In the past I have met pastors who even prayed and nothing happened. Some said that there was nothing in me when I insisted I had demons. Some said that you cannot possibly have holy spirit and demons coexisting in you. But I refused to believe any of them, for only I knew the torment I went through.
The day after deliverance, I woke up late, feeling really light. I saw the ray of sun entering my room through the window, and I told myself “ahh..a new beginning..my days of mourning are now over..a new life awaits”. I had such devotion for God that day. I prayed after a very very long time. It was all well. What great joy..what great joy. As I related to my mum on what had happened, she said “ I wish I came to witness what had happened…or at least your dad should have seen it..so he may believe”. I never expected that reply from my mum at all. I was totally surprised. The same evening, I was relating what had happened during deliverance to someone. While talking about it, I had multiple visions of Demon X. But I told myself, I am just imagining it. The following day, I woke up and prayed. It was all fine. But evening came, and the joy just vanished. I felt lonely and empty suddenly. I couldn’t possibly explain why. It was the same time of feeling that I used to have even back then. At about the same moment, I felt extremely drowsy and terribly sleepy. My eyelids felt so heavy. In that period of drowsiness on my bed, before entering into sleep, I vaguely saw vision of other demons, just like how I used to see during my 6 weeks of torment in march. I dismissed the thoughts. I told myself that I am delivered. They told me, that it is common that after deliverance , one will go through a phase of doubts and lies from the demons. So I just thought I was imagining them. I slept off and woke up late. I could barely get up and open my eyes. My eyelids were extremely heavy. It was the same type of drowsiness I used to have before my deliverance. I consoled myself, saying it is just a trick by the demon to make me think that I am not delivered.
I kept on having vision of demons especially Demon A & Demon B. That day, I kept on having pain at different parts of body followed by burping ( just like how I used to have ). I just ignored that. I kept myself occupied by listening to gospel songs and praying. The next day I woke up. I was taken aback by the fact , I didn’t feel any devotion for God. I didn’t even feel like praying. Notice how the previous days I was filled with joy and had such passion for God. I forced myself to pray. My lips were reading the prayers, but I could barely concentrate. I got tired halfway that I paused every now and then before continuing my prayers. The I just thought, maybe I should try praying in tongues. As I prayed in tongues, I just felt so drowsy and tired, I was yawning every now and then. After one point, I could no longer go on. I just stopped. As much as I tried telling myself that I am delivered, I just couldnt do it anymore. This is not what I expected at all. I went through a tormented wretched life all these while and here I thought after deliverance I would be fine and everything would have ended.
BUT NOW, EVERYTHING LOOKS THE SAME. WHY? ARE THE DEMONS PLAYING A TRICK INTO MAKING ME BELIEVE THAT I AM NOT DELIVERED OR AM I GENUINELY NOT COMPLETELY DELIVERED? I coulnt take it. I am tired. I am exhausted of everything. I had more than enough. I have no patience or endurance left in me .I called someone and told what was happening and told her that I feel like I am not completely delivered. Even during the conversation , I had visions of demons A & B. The person said that I am delivered and it is just the lie of the enemy and said I needed more faith. Lord, I feel so lost. What is exactly going on? Lord, I really can’t do this anymore. Do not put me into test. Im just a weak human. I was so heartbroken again. Even as I type this, I am having chest pain followed by burping. I don’t know what to think or say anymore…I just feel like dying….Im just one tiny drop away from Giving up...I HAD ENOUGH..My mum called and asked how are you? Just one day ago, with such joy I answered, “Im VERY very fine”. But today, I just said..im ok..I didn’t say anything else. Saying anything else would only cause her to be worried unnecessarily and disrupt her possibly new found belief in the God I am with….I feel like going away somewhere far far away to find peace of mind..Lord will you not grant rest to my weary soul?
Answer me Lord…..
Within 30 minutes of writing this, while lying down on bed, contemplating in sorrow, I got the answer I wanted…I WAS NOT IMAGINING ANYTHING.…THANK YOU LORD…YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE…GOD IS GOOD..GOOD IS GREAT…NOTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IS A COINCIDENCE LORD..IT IS ALL PART OF YOUR PLAN.What great blessing..WHAT GREAT BLESSING TO BE PART OF THIS LORD...WHAT GREAT BLESSING TO RECEIVE THIS KNOWLEDGE LORD....There is only one question left, what do all of these mean? What are you trying to tell me Lord? God has been trying to tell me something..Deep inside my heart I knew, that the whole complicated jigsaw puzzle will be completed soon..
DANIEL 2:22 "HE REVEALS DEEP AND MYSTERIOUS THINGS , AND KNOWS WHAT LIES HIDDEN IN DARKNESS, THOUGH HE IS SURROUNDED BY LIGHT..."
THE SCRIPTURE HAS BEEN FULFILLED..AMEN & AMEN
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